Monday, December 15, 2008; Y
guess i better blog as my visits have been going down down down.
feeling all emotional inside, fear of losing everything if there even was anything,
hatred for things which even may not even have existed, questioning if there even was anything which cared for who i am.
just why am i feeling this way.
i have seldom experienced this, most of the time you would see me smiling & all happy (i hope), but when such a feeling becomes overwhelming, i really can lose it all.
many questions just keep flooding me in that thing within my head, i try to feel with the thing in my chest, but still. where are the answers ?
everyone's trying to achieve something in life . but what you're trying to achieve, may it necessarily be what you actually want ? won't it be naturally worse , if you dont even have something you're trying to achieve in the first place .
i have had many wrong ideas , they just keep coming . loss of faith , procrastination , complacency , they might just have been things that prevent me from becoming who i can be now , even in the future . "at least you know what you're lacking now " , but yet im not making an effort to do anything about it .
i really have not been trying hard enough, i dont even think im trying.
let us all live life without regrets , but regrets within in my life i already lived . yet, it really is not too late . i really hope so .
there are just too many chances that God has given me . He's aided me through them all .
i have never been giving my best, even when im pushed , i give it just 1% more. what happened to the rest ?
in primary school, i barely scraped through . just meeting the cut off point to the school im in now .
in secondary school, i just made it to be able to take 10 subjects in sec 3.
in secondary 3, i was about to fail and be retained, but somehow moderation saved me.
in secondary 4, i did not do well at all. among the lowest, to enter RIJC.
not just in studies alone , i've been incompetent in everything i do .
i've not been a good son either , i've always taken my parents for granted .
everytime they nag at me , i will just think that they are at it yet again.
i refuse to listen, yet when i really tried to ,
i realise they are trying to convey something to me .
not something that will simply irritate me , or something to the extreme that it will totally blow my mind .
it's what they had learnt from their
own experience.
they've been there, done it , knew much more than i have ever known in my 16 years of life .
they did what they did because they care ,
as much as i will not listen , it really may seem nothing to me , but i actually have been losing out .
i never knew that behind those faces when they scold me , or any parents scolding their children for that matter, the face actually weeps when its no longer facing me .
when i do not listen , when i disobey , when i talk back , all these are simply knives in their hearts . & they do bleed .
my parents are humans too , they do have feelings .
furthermore, now to me , they're more than just my parents ,
and as much as i will like to say certain stuff to them .
something just stops me , i believe everyone else will have experienced this before .
it's just the fear of losing face.
but why for ? they are my parents , they've seen me grow .
i dont want to have any regrets of not telling them ,
simple words i have always wanted to say .
i love you, & im sorry for the times i made you two sad for me .
9:36 PM
Hees:D
